The “All or Nothing” Approach to Life — and Why It May Be Keeping You Stuck

How often have you started a new habit knowing it would be good for you — exercising more, reducing screen time, cutting back on a vice — only to find yourself slipping back into old patterns a few weeks later?

A client once said to me, “I’m a good starter.”

What he really meant was: I know how to begin, but I don’t know how to keep going.

Let’s call him Paul.

Paul had spent years setting goals, getting motivated, making plans… then slowly losing momentum and giving up on the idea altogether. Over time, that cycle began to shape how he saw himself.

He found himself looking down the path toward the same health struggles his ageing parents were facing. He avoided conversations centred around fitness or adventure because they stirred up a quiet discomfort. Friends would share stories of hikes, trips, races, or challenges they were taking on, and part of him wished he could be part of those things too — but another part doubted whether he ever really would.

What kept getting in the way wasn’t laziness or lack of care.

It was the standard he believed he had to meet.

We absorb thousands of messages every day about what “healthy” looks like. Social media especially can leave us feeling as though everyone else is more disciplined, fitter, stronger, more energised and somehow managing life better than we are.

The problem is that we often compare our real lives to someone else’s highlight reel — then set goals accordingly.

We choose the ideal rather than the realistic.

And when those goals inevitably become hard to sustain within the demands of ordinary life, we fall behind, lose confidence, and conclude that we’ve failed yet again.

But health rarely improves through intensity alone.

More often, it improves through consistency.

With Paul, we stopped focusing on what sounded impressive and started focusing on what actually felt doable. I sometimes describe this as “bringing the goalposts closer.”

Instead of aiming for the perfect routine, we aimed for the level where he could honestly say:

“Yep. I can definitely do that.”

Not occasionally. Repeatedly.

That shift changed everything.

The weeks became months. Success started replacing guilt. Momentum slowly replaced resignation.

And then, six months later, I received a photo from Paul celebrating a milestone he once thought was beyond him, along with a message saying he felt “officially unstuck.”

I think many people live quietly trapped in this all-or-nothing mindset.

If they can’t do it properly, they won’t do it at all.
If they miss a few days, they feel they’ve failed.
If progress is slow, they assume change isn’t working.

But perhaps the real breakthrough isn’t pushing harder.

Perhaps it’s choosing goals small enough, realistic enough, and sustainable enough that you can keep showing up to them long after motivation fades.

Because lasting change is rarely built in one dramatic moment.

It’s built in the ordinary decisions we can repeat.